LMAO, I know I miss my Islands peeps, but stuff like this definitely makes me glad that I don't work there anymore. Haha, anybody ever see the movie Waiting? Shit's hilarious.
(Thanks to Sarah Perry for this.)1) When the hostess asks you your smoking preference, Marlboro Reds is far from the appropriate response. You sir are not funny.
2) If you would prefer to sit in a booth, go ahead and tell the hostess. Do not let her walk to you to the far corners of the restaurant only to be told that you would like to sit "there" pointing at the booth that is directly next to the hostess stand where you began your futile journey.
3) If you have been waiting for a table for a long time, maybe you should use that time to think about what you would like to drink. Don't act like you have been blindsided when I ask you at the table. "Gee whiz, no one's ever asked me what I wanted to drink in a restaurant before." Also, if you have been waiting a long time to be seated, do not act like an asshole to me when you get to the table. If you like the restaurant and want to eat there, chances are many others do as well.
4) If you are in a restaurant where the food costs under $20 per plate, do not be surprised and act offended when I don't refold your napkin while you are in the bathroom. May I suggest visiting an establishment that has a dress code if you want this type of service.
5) Do not be extremely creative with your order. Sure, I like to accommodate my guests, but ordering sweet tea with 1 ½ orange slices or any specified number of cherries is just ridiculous. Also, if there is NOTHING on the menu that appears close to what you are planning to order, chances are we don't have it in the building. "Hmm…. Can I get Cornish game hens over risotto?" SHUT UP!
6) Do NOT order a non-alcoholic beverage and a water if you are not going to drink the water. You have just wasted my time and yours. Chances are that you only should be drinking water or a Diet Coke anyway.
7) Do NOT suck your drink down and hand your glass directly back to the server. You are just being a jerk. Also, I am sure that drought is not going to spring upon us before the end of the night. You do not need to drink enough to fill up that (sometimes) invisible camel hump that you have under your shirt.
8) Do NOT try to get your server's attention while they are talking to another table. That is the same as interrupting a business call for you. Flailing your arms like a 4 year-old having a temper tantrum is unbecoming of a middle-aged person.
9) Do NOT ask for another beverage if yours is still more than half full. We are probably not going to run out of the precious and rare sweet tea that currently fills your glass.
10) Just because the manager stopped by your table 3 months ago when you visited and talked for 15 minutes does not mean that he has added you to his/her will. Namedropping does not improve my service, it just tells me that you want free dessert.
11) Do NOT talk to your server like this is his/her first day on the job.
12) READ the description of the item that you are ordering. Don't act totally surprised when there are mushrooms in your dish, and you hate mushrooms. I would be willing to bet that their presence is mentioned somewhere on the menu.
13) Do not involve me with your problems unless you are tipping me enough to fix mine. I charge a different hourly rate for therapy sessions.
14) That little slot on the top of your check presenter that looks like the perfect place to put a credit card is not just there for looks. Use it. Don't make me guess if you are paying in cash or with a card.
15) If your server takes the time to box your food up for you, don't leave it on the table. If you decide that you don't want it… put it in the trashcan outside, so he/she doesn't see explicitly that you have wasted his/her time.
16) Do NOT hand me your credit card and say "I hope this works." I hope it works too, and I hope that it works very quickly so that the hostess can seat the next comedian in my section.
17) Do NOT ask for a shot that you made up or a drink with a name that was made up by another restaurant and then look at me like I am an asshole because I have no idea what you are talking about.
18) Do NOT ask for change and then leave before I get back.
19) Do NOT camp out in my section unless you are planning on tipping me very well. Oh, by the way, have you ever had to wait forever in a restaurant to be seated when the hostess gave you a much shorter quote?" That's probably because several tables are "camping out." Think about that next time.
20) When making a reservation for your large party, KNOW how many are in it. Do not guestimate. It is really annoying to a server to have his/her tables pulled together for a 20 top that inevitably becomes a 6 top.
21) Do NOT act like it is my fault if we run out of the soup/entrée/dessert that you wanted. I assure you that I did not eat the last one. I was busy doing my job.
22) Do NOT suggest that we add a lighter dessert to the menu after you just ate a fried dish topped with a heavy cream sauce containing your weight of butter in it.
23) Do NOT tell me that your food doesn't taste like the same dish at another completely different restaurant. I know that. It is kind of the point.
24) Do NOT mention my tip at any point during the meal. Joking about how much or how little you are going to leave me is not going to change the way that I work and is rather insulting. ***Note: Never has anyone that has bragged about how much they tipped actually followed through satisfactorily.***
25) Don't say that you are ready to order and then fumble around and try to decide then. You are putting me behind.
26) If you ask what dressings are available for the salad, do NOT ask for one that is NOT on that list.
27) Do NOT try to hand your waiter yet another plate when you can see that he/she is already performing a balancing act with the ones already in his arms.
28) Note that I only make minimum wage. I depend on tips to make a living. Stiffing me is like your boss coming to you and saying, "I decided not to pay you for Thursday - thanks though!"
29) Compliments are wonderful to receive, but as of today, my landlord doesn't accept payment in the form of nice words written about me. Back it up with some money.
30) If your meal is given to you for free, or you have a gift certificate, that does not mean that you have been forgiven from having to pay me for my services.
31) Do NOT try to change your order once it has been placed. It is like mailing a letter. You can change the address up until it is submitted. Don't even ask. Suck it up and order your new discovery on your next visit.
32) If your server has a unique name (i.e. Wyatt), do not think that you are the only novel comedian to shout a reference from Tombstone or ask if my last name is Earp.
33) Although I am sure that you allow your kids to run around wildly and throw their food all over the floor at your own house, you should NOT let them do it in public.
34) If you think for a moment that you may be too fat to fit in a booth, DON'T request one. You will just end up wanting to move.
34) NEVER assume that I am doing this job because I am below you. I happen to know for a fact that I am smarter than 90% of everyone that I meet. I am likely more educated than you, and frankly, I bet that I make more money.
If you have ever eaten in a restaurant or anything resembling a restaurant you should forward this. It will inevitably make the world a better place for everyone.
I was contacted and informed that they wanted to use a picture of the historic Lincoln Memorial that I took for their information about the landmark! Pretty cool! I feel honored that my photography is considered good enough to be published nationally for everyone to see!
Well, I moved out into my own apartment back in March. I live in Koreatown now. No longer out by the beach. And I'm totally okay with that. I like staying in the city. Guess that's 'cuz I grew up in such a small-ass town that I gravitate to the hustle and bustle. My apartment is super cool. It's the old 
Work's been going well for me. Staying busy. Lots of changes though. I don't work across the street anymore, which is slightly inconvenient, but not horrible. I'm in 
I'm on the 36th floor and the office has a GREAT view of the westside. (If you saw my post about the view from my apartment window, it's the same view, but looking at it from the east facing westbound.) And then I still don't need to worry about not having a car anymore, because I just take the metro (subway). There's a station across the street from the apartment (by my old office), and the station I get off at near the office is just a couple blocks down from my new office. It's not hard getting around town by bus either, which is my other option. There are no subway systems on the westside of LA, so if I ever head out that way, I just take the bus. It's cheap and it helps me work on my time management. Plus it helps the environment! 
